white-mares

Snow something so beautiful, delicate, and harmless.






fear of snow. Laugh, but this is a serious. I'm preparing myself for the worst, because if I hoped for something better........ Every thing and everyone that we loved/cared for was taking away and just can't live through what already happen again. The last time it came brought nothing but devistation the year that followed. So go ahead thing I'm crazy, but know that I am not alone in my thoughts and fear. This time could be different *cross fingers*. There is always hope, but in a life that is always changing and unknown you can't expect anything until that time is upon you. Stupid contradictions, hope for everything beautiful & peaceful ; the fear of something Tragic.

This city's saving grace, but whoever knows, nobody knows.

Your like my favorite song.

Favorite love song. Favorite depression song. Favorite mellow song. Favorite happy song. Favorite memory song. Favorite dance song. Favorite repeat over and over again song. Favorite heart stop song. Favorite cry song. Favorite r&b song. Favorite rock song. Favorite hit song. Favorite oldie song. Favorite song lyric. Favorite song of all time.

_____________________________________

everyday slips away life becomes a soft hum no reason your mind grows numb you stop making love going through the motions tell me how come no one gets what they really want and love only when its convenient we act like we know more than we know than we know we treat love like its something youre owed that youre owed, owe owe owe...

yesterday i thought i heard you say who you think youre kidding we are all pissing into the wind wearing sheeps skin hiding from the same things that i danced in but no one gets what they really want and love only when its convenient we act like we know more than we know than we know we treat love like its something youre owed

but maybe ive found you maybe ive found something i love maybe ive found you maybe ive found something i love

Simple Christmas

All I ask for Christmas is three things

MONEY FOR MY LEG piece


OR MY BACK PIECE


and





on dvd

It been awhile....

Since my mom's operation I've been reallly busy helping her and enjoying life.

- I got to work for the Voodoo Music Experience as an intern in the artist relations dept. Got to meet tons of bands (R.E.M., MARS VOLTA, EYRKUH BADU, WYCLEF, Joss Stone, etc/ basically everyone that played all three days). During July 4th I'll be back working for Essance Fest July 4th weekend.

- These past two weeks I've been meeting with my advisors on my returing to school in the spring. YEAH they were right time flew by and I got so many things out my system and going back in with a clear and positive head. Which will be needed because I'm taking 6 classes most of the are marketing classes. All I got to do is PRAY everything works out for me.

- WE ELECTED OUR FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN PRESIDENT. MY FIRST TIME VOTING.
MLK jr. DREAM BECAME A REALITY. What scares me the most know is all the ignorant people out there starting mess, hate crimes, or even seening obama have the same fate as JFK. Hopefully the UNITED STATES has a modern mind, but as we all know to well there are some groups some people that still think white is white and black is black.


- Friend wise, its been up&down. Everyone has their own thing going but when we do get together its always a bunch of laughs, conversations, and dacning. We're growing up and getting into our careers. ADULTS! 20-21. I (April) will be 21 scary cause I know I will be a college graduate from Tulane University but the unknown still scares me. I just want know that I will be doing something I like. I will be stable. Only when that time gets here I will know forsure.

- On another good note *knock on wood* family wise its getting better my dad and I relationship seems to be mending. All it needed was some time. I always worry about my mom but she is strong and I have faith my grandmothers, godmother, and God are looking out for her. My brother I'm a little worred about he has such low self-esteem. He use to be such a happy child. I don't know what's wrong with him. :/ I love my baby brother and don't want him to go through this. But through our internal problems we are ONE and thats really a tear moment cause we havent been this way in a while.


Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 2009 is on its way.

Until Next time.

CLIMAX SCENE

AFTER 13 HOURS AND 1 NIGHT SPENT, SHE'S BACK TO "NORMAL"! All I ask is that God just look out for her.

5:00 am sitting in the entrance waiting room waiting it to be 5:30 am because the elevators open at that time. 5:30 am open, of course the elevator that we first get into does not work, HORROR MOVIE. Get into the room and wait for them to take her away. There she goes in the bed riding to her future. I have not cried like I did in years.

7 hours in a waiting room, you see people come and go. You make "waiting room friends". Doctors come in and out with news of family/friend. There was this group of ladies that will stick with me. Out of the whole day they were the only ones to make me cry but not about my mom. They were the only ones that day that lost someone. Everyone got choked up, it ran through every one of the minds that they could be put in that situation.

7pm she's out in so much pain, and tears just start rolling down my face' a unstoppable waterfall. She speaks faintly, that she saw her mother while asleep. My grandmother told her "you go back its not your time". When she told me that it got worse, and got to thinking "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE DIE IN A ARM OPERATION?", "WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO DIE ON MY BROTHER AND ME?". Its just been one blow after another for her. She wanted to give up and I wouldn't blame her because I've seen it. She still wears the emotional scars on her. My grandmother was right "JUST GO BACK ITS NOT YOUR TIME".

1 night, we feel the same she couldn't sleep neither could I. 12pm today she's home and now its up to me to help her in any way I can.

Mommy don't leave me, ever.
It's been my stupid child wish, I WANT YOU TO LIVE FOREVER.


(when in the dark all alone, you let it out; but hide it from the world)


STAYING POSITIVE

Waiting Scene

Tomorrow once again I will be walking a scent of death & life. A place where it begins and ends. Hopefully the saying "third times a charm" has some truth in it. The only time I can admit being scared is being in a waiting room or roaming through the halls and seeing inside and the outside. You see so many thing suffering or joy. Why is life ONE OR THE OTHER? Why not one or the other or the other OR the other?

Mommy, this time they will get it right. Hopefully this time we'll get you back to something normal.


To make matters worse we just got a call from my father saying he might have broken his ankle and if their is any truth to that then basically we are screwed. This means more responsibility would have to be placed upon me being the house provider of three other people and a dog. A challenge that I have no problem taking one, its time to give back, because they have done so much for me SO MUCH. I thank GOD for choosing them to be my parents because it COULD BE so much worse.

I don't care about ANYTHING ELSE going on. All my focus is on the positive things and recovery. Which is funny cause RECOVERY is something I've been doing for 3 years and comes natural. So as for now my future there are going to be bumps, but hopefully in the gaps it will be smooth.

Grace Consumes Us

When you say sorry you really never mean it. When you keep doing it over and over again. Why don't you put that word right up your ass, where all the shit belongs? Your sorry for nothing. You will be for something though.

1 snap fine, 2 snap fine, 3 snap fine, but 4-beyond not. One thing I don't have to wait for the new year is to change that. Because I am really sick and tired of the same old sick and tired.



Atomic Bombs t minus XXX and counting.

Voodoo Times.

this is where i will be three days times and where
:D im so excited!

Voodoo Stage
Friday 24

STP 9:30-11 pm
A&A 3:35-4:30
Sons Of William 12:15-1

Sarurday 25
NIN 8:45-11:15
Mars Volta 6:30-7:45
Lil Wayne 4:20-5:20
Innerpartysystem 2:25-3:20

Sunday 26
REM 7-9
P!@TD 5-6:10
Dashconf 2:50-4
ColdWarKids 12:50-1:50
TheVettes 11-12

Playstation Stage

Friday 24

Erykah Badu 6:30-7:30
Wyclef Jean 4:30-5:30

Saturday 25

Manchester Orchestra 3:20-4:20

Sunday 26

N*E*R*D 4-5
Lupe Fiasco 1:50-2:50
TokioPolice 12-12:50

Stop and Go....

I've given up on everything stupid. Social world, well some friendships are running out of fire. I find myself missing the good old days and missing old friends that are so far away.

As we get older were not suppose to act more childish. WERE SUPPOSE TO HAVE FUN but not stupid fun. Loose not up tight. People go to far sometimes.

Things were better than they are now.

_______________________

Some activities i want to do before the year is over:











and most importantly have a good time with my friends with NO BULLSHIT.

KJASHAKJSHAKJSH

Is anybody out there Does anybody see that when the lights are off something's killing me. I know it seems like people care cause they're always around me but when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself Who will be the one who's there and not ashamed to see me crawl Who's gonna catch me when I fall

When the show is over and it's empty everywhere it's hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city anything, anything to clear my head I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home.

Who will be the one to save me from myself Who will be the one who's there and not ashamed to see me crawl Who's gonna catch me when I fall

It may seem I have everything, but everything means nothing when the ride that you've been on that you're coming off leaves you feeling lost.

Is anybody out there does anyobdy see that sometimes loneliness is just a part of me

Who will be the one to save me from myself? Who will be the one who's there and not ashamed to see me crawl? Who's gonna catch me when I fall? Who's gonna catch me when I fall? Who's gonna catch me when I fall And not ashamed to see me crawl? Who's gonna catch me when I fall?

Baby Girl Your Gone.........

Sara is d_p_r_s_e_. What is SO new about that? Because she is turning into something she is not. Going through the same thoughts in my mind. Different things, places, situations. Nothing is new its just differnt.

Going back to SOMETHING before.
keeping everything to myself and I MEAN EVERY SINGLE THING.

VULNERABLE that's what I'm becoming and I HATE THAT. So just as a warning to whomever if you ask all you will get is an "Okie Dokie Pokie and a great big smile". On the outside that's how I want to be looked at. Just do that for me were better off, because i rather be wasting time on who ever else than explaining bad thoughts or internal pain i might be going through.

So lets stick through the positive and leave the negative part about me with me.



Note* that does not mean I am not greatful to those who have done so much for me.
thanks. You saw a part of me I DO NOT LET PEOPLE EVER SEE.

STAY POSITIVE

I've learned from this pass couple of weeks ANY drama that isn't my own, def not going to touch my toes in it. I miss judged people, but I already set the record straight.

Gotta Live Your Life One Less Drama At A Time
and worry about the REAL things.


ps.
Richard Wright Died MONDAY
:(

thats the ONE THING I wanted to experience FULLY
seeing pink floyd all original members.

oh well.

we'll keep listening.

Voodoo Music Experience

these are the bands/artist's im watching each day so far more will be added

FRIDAY
OCTOBER 24th

* Stone Temple Pilots
* Erykah Badu
* Wyclef Jean
* Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
* Sons of William



SATURDAY
OCTOBER 25th

* Nine Inch Nails
* Lil Wayne
* The Mars Volta
* Ghostland Observatory
* Manchester Orchestra
* Innerpartysystem
* Fatter Than Albert
* DJ Soul Sister


SUNDAY
OCTOBER 26th

* R.E.M.
* N.E.R.D.
* Dashboard Confessional
* Lupe Fiasco
* Butthole Surfers
* Cold War Kids
* Tokyo Police Club
* Cowboy Mouth
* The Vettes

Home Sweet Home

Got home last night with no electricity a mess to clean up and suffered 90+ degree weather. After much praying, finally got out electricity :D. I appreciate everything EVERY SINGLE THING. I cried was i saw the city lights cause everything was dark but when you looked to your right there was Downtown New Orleans Beautiful. Second time I cried was when I got home because I ACTUALLY HAD A HOME TO COME TO!

I miss my friends the most and also ... yeah :].

make my heart smile
hopefully I get to see EVERYONE again.

Dallas Tx.

While I appreciate my aunt and cousins taking us in their home, I would love nothing else to be in my own home. This time it is differnt than three years ago because I have a home to go back to this time. Nothing was destroyed thank God.

I hope and pray that everyone did not suffer sever damage. Cause what happen to me and millions of other people I WOULD NEVER wish it on anyone even the ones I HIGHLY dislike.

peace and love.

Mirror Mirror

on the earth, what state does mother nature seem to hate...

05'


08'


Going to be on the same day of the week just 3 years later.
Don't take away a city give us some slack.
It's the earth giving us a big fuck you, to everyone because we are killing it.
PEOPLE, GOVERNMENT SHOULD FUCKING GET A CLUE.

If it hit Louisiana were going to Florida. I don't care what happens I will always make my way back to this city.

Hope the end is well worth waiting for.......

Two posts in one day.. I'm aggravated with something... I'M SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO ANNOYED WITH SOMETHING!! Please don't ask me what it is cause the answer will be a flat out I DON'T KNOW. These headaches haven't gone away in a month, this stress is building more and more. Maybe its the fact that tomorrow school starts and I'm not going to be there. It just reiterates the I'm a failure.


I just can't get past that phrase or that thought it repeats in my head

Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure Sara you a failure



All I have to keep telling myself is once Nov. hits everything is going to be alright . The tears that run down your face since a month ago will go away. THAT THIS SITUATION WAS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD IT DIDN'T COME CLOSE TO IT. That starting in spring you'll be back on track, then you have summer and fall and your a college graduate. SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF.

But no right now I'm cold, I've lost that spark inside of me. I'm dead to myself. So many things left and right.

I'm an inch away................. with nothing to reach out to grab me out of it.

not yet....

3 years in 3 days




Whoever said life has a premade plan for people, FAILED. For some people why would they want all the horrible things that have happen to them actually happen to them. No one deserves it, but because unfortunately it happens it is your destiny after all of this to become a better person, but some people get caught up in it that they never see the end of it.




The one important thing that is killing me among other things is my mother. When she doesn't think I can hear her cry she does. I'm up on those stairs crying with her then walk downstairs and give her a hug. It's been back to back to back shit. Her mother dying 3 years ago, one week after getting home from Guatemala the storm happens, put all her feelings aside and help her family survive, moving from house to house, working ,then the topper getting run over and then having the worst fracture you could get on your hand. She will never be the same in so many ways, "I would have never thought at 50 I would be going through something like this".

I wish, I want to take everything that she is going through and the injury I WANT IT WHY COULDN'T IT HAPPEN TO ME! WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO HER HASN'T SHE GONE THROUGH ENOUGH I DESERVE IT I WANT IT WHY DIDN'T IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would have never mattered if it happen to me, I already don't feel anything everything is ruined i just wanted it to happen to me and not her. At least if it happen to me if would have healed better cause well I have the young factor. I just want her to enjoy her life and not have to worry about it. Her life has been up and down, and every time she tells me that story you think "All Minorities no matter what culture or country they come from must have almost the same story", we do really have it hard.


I just want to make her life happy and I know the things that she wants from her children and my brother and I do try, but right now I feel like such a failure its not helping her at all. I cry, I have resentment, I hate..... myself....... but i hide it all just to put on a face. I just want her to see that I'm doing anything and everything for her so it wouldn't have to be ONE MORE THING. She has helped me through everything in life, its time for me to repay everything back and have been since January. I love her so much, and I hope one day in some form I could be like her.


One day, I'm going to build you a house where you will be worried free and don't have to worry about money where every you are. One day, your going to be home again living the good life.




Te quiero mamá

cross fingers

Its almost time to remember a nightmare that will never go away.
Three years and somethings haven't changed.



old house. old room. old life.

los amigos

so yesterday I placed an order for this



its a tribute to my best friends on the back its my favorite picture of us right to left Johnny, Mary, Aivi, Me, and Tiffany

Odette represents my alter ego.

on the front its each of them kinda of a reminder of one of the many reasons to enjoy life. Each one of those people I have had the best and the worst moments, but thats what makes friendships amazing!

my friends come first thats the bottom line

spent my pay check already and I never even got it. So my phone has to wait until next week or the end of the month. Then saving up for my tattoos


I'm starting to get that glow back hopefully it continues. All you can do is hope for the best.

Les Portes du Souvenir

I was looking through my old stuff and found the first version of one of my blog post that I have one here "June 6, 2006"


Look at them running, off the sidewalk ,look at us falling off a building, look at them reading lights take a second look at me, look at you, all of the heaviest thoughts seem to slip away just find me and speak to me even with everybody standing around us, even with everyone drowning us here just by looking through the looking glass I reach my hand out hoping that someone will pull me through the storm to pull from the norm just take me and hold me in your hands please don't let me fall. I want to feel you, calming all the storms, give me rest,
all I need to do is hear you .

Look at the sidewalk cracking under, the under side is black, look at us broken, the building bricks are falling, the shades of grey steal the rays from the sun so bright could you be here on the darkest days can I trust in you give me that light that leads me to a place where the peace and the strength is found there are many clouds in our sky today can i trust you not to run away please make it matter into the dark morning I dont want to stay. I reach my hand out hoping that someone will pull me through the grey and to sailed away make me believe that "Love" isn't so boring all I need to do is hear you.

Look at the shallow, the shallow water that comes on the fallen bricks, let us walk to the water, hold me and take a look deeper steal the heart and take my breath away.... just take me in we stand here thinking could anything else be better than these moments everything mattered we found our place we shredded through the looking glass, breaking everyone that stood around us all we ever heard was our voices when i reach out for a hand I reach for you.



Elle se donne un instant pour reflechir, pour laisser aller ses sentiments

Innocent times on steady ground

Fell awake watching the the sky fall.
Haven't Slept for a two weeks and still have the same headache.


Everything is spinning, I've lost myself.
How do you find it again?

ne outsider pas

know friendships aren't perfect and there are always bumps big and small in them, but in the end they are all that you have (other than family).

I went to a funeral on saturday, though I did not know the guy very well or at all really I still cried because of what they talked about and the center of it all was friendship.

And just got back from watching the sisterhood and yeah its just a movie but really those four characters reminds me of all of us. We aren't just one we take a little peace of all of them. Not that the movie is going to change everything going on within us, but it will get you to think that in the bigger picture we need each other through the beautiful and ugly times.

burrito,spring roll, and two Italian sausages on big beautiful plate ready to be served to the world.

love you guys with all my heart.

MORTAL COMBAT

world war 5 billion broke out
(this time it wasn't between my father and I)

Just gotta wait for the dust to settle to see real damage.

August is a bad month ........................ always.

______________________________________

abuelita rosita
I miss you so much wish I would have been there with you.
Wish when I was younger I didn't take for granted your months visit from your home in Guatemala.

your in a better place.
miss you and tell abuelita delia i miss her too........ love you both.

______________________________________

on a positive note no matter what I love all my friends.
[SS] maybe be a little broken right now but we are still the [SS] once a member always a member, no matter if you want to be in it or not its still a bond between friends.


LAME BUT DA TROOF

AND my dad yeah MY DAD is going to help me with the rest of the money for my phone.

shocking.

not a material girl

but I'm so excited to get the new sidekick that came out 7/30/08, next month =]. so maybe that means ima hold off on getting a tattoo because this phone is just amazing.

upgrade almost $300 but i dont care i deserve it and im going to buy it myself or i get it as a early early almost 4 months early christmas present (from my mom).

BAHAHHAHAHAHAHA




Customizable Shells Green and black shells are included, but the possibilities are endless: Go to Sidekickshells.com to shop, create unique designs, and explore/share in the gallery.

Video capture/playback Capture and play back short video clips.

Picture messaging* Send pictures from your phone to others.

2.0 megapixel camera Take high-quality pictures from your phone that you can enlarge or print




yes in a better mood =]
Odette version 2.0 <3

one simple thing.


____________________

me and my dad are going to be okay.
(hopefully it last long SAGA ON STANDBY)

im almost close to being happy again.

Sky black and blue

Is it normal to have a headache for almost one week?
Fights have calmed down, but everyone seems to push the buttons just
to see where it will end up.

I've learn this so far:

I don't hate you, I resent you.
Soy su hija y siempre le amaré
I'm really trying to see where this is coming from
and maybe in the future it might teach me something.

Just being hardheaded
Just sucking up to get my way again.

Maybe I have to grow out of it..... No have to.

the waters getting higher

you don't have to ask someone to make you happy, people makes themselves happy. you just have to be there for people when they need you. you don't have to ask for something, normally people just do it out of their own heart.

One thing to say I am feeling a little better. Maybe from all the tears that have fallen, maybe because I had a 20 minutes freedom, maybe I have people that are TRULY concern about me. I never ask for help or talk to people about my problems because I feel like a burden to them, like I don't want to cut into their life. I know that everyone has something going on so I just deal with everything myself, which I've learned it not a good idea. I'm like this because in the past when I asked someone for help all I would get is "OH I'M SORRY" or "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU".
What is that suppose to do? Honestly? It makes me feel like a burden, its the truth.

I know it doesn't bother me when someone that I know needs me. I want them to be happy and have peace with themselves and life. From what I do to help someone thats what I get back for being a good person and a good friend. You get what you receive, well most of the time. Even if people haven't shown you anything you as a person cannot turn your back on them. You just have to show them that in time of need your going to be their for them even if they aren't. You still make yourself a good person.


I've personally learned that in the past couple of years.
And I can't say it enough but thank you.

still much love to everyone though.

-sidenote-

I wish "winter" was here, I find it the most beautiful time of the year.
Is it because everything is lifeless? I don't know maybe its my comfort zone
plus my hair looks really good and I get to wear sweaters.


I am dreading the end of the month though
29th to be more exact.


life really is just + -

Wake Up

Yesterday I learned from someone pretending everything is alright, just makes you even more "depressed". I never opened up to someone like I did ever.It really doesn't matter how long you have known people, what matters is all the memories and experiences you have had with them.

I'm hard headed and try to put on a strong face, but yesterday you broke me down and its what I really needed. Johnny Aivi and You (Tiffany) have been there for me through this "rough" time.

I still need some work to break me everything that has my mind in chains and save my soul thats locked somewhere deep.

Thanks I really appreciate it everything and the support in times where
I just want to rot in a hole.



I was also reading all my blogs and there really isn't anything "good" it kind of like negative energy its how I feel. HELL thats why its a blog.


Querido Dios,
Por favor ayúdeme por esta batalla dentro de mí.
Finalmente muéstreme el lado bueno de la vida.





___________________________








finally narrowed it down where I would like to get
"too weird to live too rare to die" tattoo
across both my wrist or on my shoulders.

and sooner or later I'm going to get this



artist Miss Van


___________________________________

Undiscovered

GOD I feel like such a teenager with all these problems
especially family and school ones.
That just goes to show you problems minor or severe
aren't made for a certain age.

So why is it always easy to say, I want to be younger again.
Never going to go back to that, I'm 20, and In several months I'll be 21 and etc.
During this time off I really need to grow into that age and sort of beyond.
It so cliche but I really do need to find myself I'm not as put together
as some people may see or to the people I even let come near enough.

Conflict:
There is always room for growth, but sometimes you just want to act like a kid.

I'm such a dork.

The Day You Fell Apart

So today I decided, but really it was decided for me, I'm not going to school this semester.

+
get to help my mom
get to focus myself on my career in music business (with bands and interning at labels)
(my brothers bands www.myspace.com/fromlegendstonancy
they don't have music but they do have a video.
my boyz band www.myspace.com/cardinaleband)
get to clear my head from all the nonsense and build up.


-
dont get to graduate in the spring.
dont get to go to disney, orlando, warped and beach next summer.
(because I got to take classes to graduate in fall)
dont have the approval of my father.


what's new.


drama
its written all over me
dont ask for it
its just given to me
as WONDERFUL presents.

____________________________________________

my dad wants to kick me out the house.
so now what, look for a job? look for an apt?
I have lots of $$ saved
so if it comes down it I guess i have to look for 2 other room mates.

http://www.saulet.com/about.html

It just keeps getting better and better.

I'm losing it.

living is easy with eyes closed

i came across this photo on flickr
tears

_______________________________________________


i want tattoo lots of them before the end of the year going to get 1 or 2

too weird to live too rare to die

Thunder.

Im eating my words.



I hope and pray to God they don't take you away
your beautiful, smart, and have so much MORE life in you.
Though I wasn't close with you my best friend was your best friend, and his pain is my pain.

Please God don't take her away from life, family, and friends.




I take back what I said to him, but I can't erase it.

-

I didn't try kill myself it was more like killing the unhappy side of me.
If that meant that I had to take the living just to be in peace with myself.
Words that I said to about someone, I just talk about myself.
No matter how many good times and memories someone has,
those unhappy ones always seem to ruin everything.
I'm sorry, I wouldn't wish that one you
i don't have the black heart for anyone just myself.

IM TIRED.


sometimes the eternal deep sleep sounds so much more appealing.

truth

___________________________________________________________________________

7 lovely faces keep me from that.



__________________________________________________________________________________________



The [SS] and Johnny
PEOPLE LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY BEST FRIENDS

www.myspace.com/laskanksquad.com

"To leave these unanswered questions and matters unnattended in our hearts is similar to
leaving a ship unanchored on the ocean and hope the wind never comes up."

It's something I've been putting off for three years.
Nightmares go away when you wake up, but scars are forever.

Dear 2005,
You deserve the biggest FUCK YOU award.


March 10, 2005 took a friend.
Almost lost one of my bestest friends.
Took my mother away for a month.
Took my grandmother away forever.
Made my dad insert the idea my mother abandon us.
First day of senior year came home crying.

2 weeks later...............
Cars stalled on the interstate with hundreds of thousands of people.
A mother walk with her baby in 100 degree weather.
People just sitting there wondering "were aren't going
to leave in time, we're just going to die right here".
It looked like judgement day, felt
like everyone was transported into hell.

Movement.....
into unknown territory, unknown house, into an unknown life. Flashes of news bulletins,
your past life is underwater, dead. Watching my parents feel defeated. then trying to
see how to start a new life, but all you want is the old one. Now your sleeping on floors,
in a construction room, all you want is your room your bed. Everything you took for
granted is gone.

4 days....
drive back to "Home". A stop at a gas station with your life neatly packed in the back
you feel a tap on your shoulder and a man is there giving you $20 because he see's
you wearing a shirt with a fleur d lis and says "saints". He looks at you and says you
need it more than I do. At that point ,though it was a good intention, it finally it "I'm
homeless".

State-line....
A welcome to state sign never looked so made you feel so good.
But we were 4 hours from home. Headed to a house with three other families.
A bare house sleeping on air. This is what life has become.
4 days life seems normal for everyone else.
Your still lifeless. There is talk in the air about moving again.

Breakdown.....
you speak out "This is what the jews must have felt like when they were going through
the process of the concentration camps".
Just like another number, just another piece of shit.

Farmland.....
New House 2 families... Another storm came your ran from one and you got
stuck in another. No break, felt like SOMEONE UPSTAIRS or DOWN BELOW wanted
you DEAD. What was their to live for .. nothing.

New Life..
Different school. Eyes looking and whispers saying "THAT'S another one".
Lunch bell rings and you just sit in the bathroom and cry.
1 week feel like 1 lifetime. All you could do is fake that everything is alright when
your crumbling inside. everyday begging parents to take us out and bring us home.

A little closer..
A sign of HOPE....
2 months later movement again into a spare room.. still sleeping on air.
but you were 30 mins from "home". anything was better from where you were.
News about a school from your hometown opening up and you can finish where
you started. Friends , familiar places and family.

3 years later..
New life, New Hope, New Happiness.
College senior, amazing friends, amazing family.


If you wanna to know the real me inside:

Everything I ever had was taken by the mighty river.
It did not take my dreams and soul just half my heart and mind.


LISTEN DEEPLY
i owe everything to this song, it decribes my pain, joy, and life.

Cephalalgia

Let me reintroduce myself-

I was born your only girl.
Use to wait for you on the steps for you to come home.
Run around behind you with my fake lawn mower.
Use to say "Toby Correr, Correr"
Take me on late night car rides, just to get me to fall asleep.

WHAT HAPPEN TO US?

I got scared,
I was going to lose the only man I am truely ever going to love.
Distance was my close allie, turned out to be the biggest mistake.


Oh father why can't you recognize me now?

Its all my fault I do love you.
I want you to look at me as your daughter, not as a shadow.


PLEASE all I want is to stop crying and feeling incomplete.
I almost lost you once
I almost lost you twice
Your still here, but I've lost you forever.

I just want to be your little girl again.

Guatemala 1989

"Cause Quitting Alone Will Never Get You Dry"

Lady in Yellow, shows the world that she is composed and full of light.
Really she is just lying to world. The lock on sanity is slowly corroding.

Lady in Black, shows the world that she is hidden, melancholy and alone.
Really she is just lying to the world. The lock on her true emotions is slowly corroding.

The Ladies are unique, but really they are lying to you; plural is singular.
The right and the left lock her from being her true self.

Lady in Blue just wants to go to beautiful, where ever that may be.
Just wants to be one.



But really I've been lying to myself.
This duality has taken over me.

Charlie

The Loser The Heart , The Winner The Mind

Charlie, what do you think you are? Charlie, lets sort this out....
Close those eyes and with the senses follow try to find the solid piece that missing.
Dont let the illusions win, please please, dont let them win.

Charlie, there is still a glow inside of you.
Dont let the spector, exude it out, fight it.

Charlie, your falling back down to earth.
They have won, and now the fire awaits.

Charlie, its always been strong.
Attack! Its easier to run, thats not in your vocabulary.
Look forward stand up dont go back, wash away everything.
Feel this place, replace this pain with something more.


Charlie, dont let them win.